John had survived and even “thrived” during the combat operations of his career. He and his brothers in arms cheated death many times although he admits he did lose fellow EOD technicians throughout his career. Because of the relatively ones and twos in terms of deaths spaced out, John was able to block out emotionally the deaths of his fellow Marines in combat operations. However, that ability to block out the pain of losing fellow warriors who were family to him was about to come unglued.

Somewhere along the line in his quest to conquer and be great in the eyes of the “gun club”, he started to see an erosion of a major part of his life that he held most dear. He knew his wife wasn’t alright, but he didn’t know what was going on with her not necessarily because he was gone often, but more importantly because he was emotionally absent from his home.

Almost 13 years after joining the Marine Corps, MSgt Rudd's marriage was crumbling as he and his wife were emotionally distant, he was not the father he wanted to be, and internally he was struggling with dealing with the violence he had witnessed and participated in. He was struggling with burnout, but on a deeper level he was struggling with a sucking chest wound of finding an elusive sense of satisfaction in life. What was the problem? It seemed the darkness would overtake this operator...